My husband, he takes things and he puts them up in high places so that I can't reach them. He does this specifically so that I can not reach them, not out of habit. I know this because he has told me so. Apparently, I can't be trusted with his things.
I do have this bad habit of breaking everything I touch. It's ridiculous almost, as though inanimate objects are just waiting to break until they are in my hands. Like the other day I went to take a shower, like I do nearly every single day of my life. And the knob of the shower came off in my hand. I know how to turn a shower on. I didn't like, jerk the knob out of the wall with all my tiny might. I just turned it to the left, just like how every other person in America turns on their shower. And the knob came right off. And I just stood there with this shower knob in my hand being scalded by the hot water because I did not want to get out of the shower and tell my husband about this incident.
Because you see, due to the frequency of these instances, Jeff has decided that it is my fault when they happen. He's always telling me to slow down and think things through, as if that would prevent shower knobs from ever leaving the wall. Which is frustrating to me because I never mean to break things.
And that's also why I have yet to tell him about how yesterday when I put my cup to the ice dispenser, water came gushing out and then it made this weird chugging noise. Because if I tell him that, he'll think I broke the ice dispenser.
And I can't even wait for him to try to get ice himself and pretend that I knew nothing about that chugging noise because Jeff is weird and doesn't like ice. So technically I am the only one that even uses the ice dispenser so naturally, he is going to blame me for it's breakage.
I keep thinking that if I just had skipped my shower that morning, the shower knob would have broken on his shower and that would be one less thing for him to put into the book of "things my wife has broken" right after the entries that include his computer and his car.
So as I walk into the bedroom the other day, I notice that his tennis shoes are on top of the bookcase instead of in the trunk where we keep all of our shoes.
"Jeff, why are your tennis shoes on top of the bookcase?" I asked
"Because on top of the bookcase they are safely out of your reach" he replied
I was slightly offended at the notion that I could break a pair of tennis shoes. I mean, what the heck does he think I'm going to do to a pair of tennis shoes?
So I asked him.
"What the heck do you think I'm going to do to a pair of tennis shoes?"
He just shook his head and told me that he'd lived with me for 2 years and he liked these shoes so he wasn't taking any chances.
So you can see my problem here, right?
Oh and honey? I think the ice dispenser is broken.