So once upon a time before I had a kid of my own, I had a friend whose child was extremely precocious. “I sincerely hope that my child is this hilarious” I told her after she told me about finding their cat covered in nail polish. “Be careful what you wish for” she told me. I recalled that conversation last night, when I was searching the house for Lucy Dog who I could hear whimpering but could not find. I could not find, until, that is, I asked Scarlette if she had seen Lucy and she told me “I Shushie da twash!” And that is how I found Lucy locked in our pantry, with Scarlette trailing behind me proudly declaring “YEAH! I SHWOW SHUSHIE DA TWASH!”
Scarlette: Um, Mommy? You dwaw me da ABCDEFG?
KA: Yes, I’ll write the ABC’s for you.
Scarlette: OH YETH! I SHO HAPPY! NOW I SHO HAPPY ABCDS! SHANKS, MOMMY!
(I tell Scarlette that I will be able to color with her when the clock has two ones on it. It is 11:05)
Scarlette: Um, okay Mommy? Two wansh! Two wansh, Mommy!
KA: You’re right, it is two ones. Mommy just needs one more minute to finish up though, baby.
Scarlette (throw her hands up in the air): WHAT?! WHAT ISH GOIN ON?!
Scarlette: I eat da gwapes. I eat da gwapes. I eat anudder gwape. I eat da gwapes.
(Freezes mid bite and widens her eyes)
OH NO! I EAT DA BEGGIE TALES!
(While I am working in the yard)
Scarlette: Um, okay what you makin? What doin Mommy?
KA: I’m digging some ditches.
Scarlette: A bitchin? YEAH! A BITCHIN! I MAKE WAN A BITCHIN!
Scarlette: NO CWIMBING SHCARYUT! NO CWIMBING!
(Said as she climbs on top of a piece of furniture I just finished telling her not to climb on)
(Dumps a bowl of water on her head)
Scarlette: OH NO! WHA JUSHT HAPPEN?! WHA JUSHT HAPPEN TO MY HEAD?!
(Scarlette has a nightmare so I go in to check on her)
KA: What’s wrong baby? Why are you crying?
Scarlette: Um, Mommy? Oh. Did you tuhn obb da tv?”
KA: Well, yes, I turned the tv off earlier today.
KA: Scarlette, you need to eat your lunch
Scarlette: Well….mayyyybe. Is da Dannel Tiger eedin his wunch wight now?
KA: Yes, Daniel Tiger is eating his lunch right now too.
Scarlette: Um, okay Mommy. I eed da wunch! Now I need da mac n teeses!
KA: Well, it’s not time for mac n cheese. It’s time for peanut butter and jelly.
Scarlette: Yesh. Da peanut bur jewwy time wid a bashebaw bat
KA: *dies laughing*
(And now you know what I do when I am making sandwiches:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRBOgtp0Hac)
Playing basketball with Scarlette, she hit the rim and said “OH NO! I MISSHED IT! NOW I SHO SHO SHAD!” Then she sat on the floor and pretended to cry. THEN she jumped up and said “SHCARYUT!! NOW YOU TWY TWY AGAIN!”
Scarlette just walked over to the porch and yelled “Shushie! Ju det inshide dis houshe WITE NAO!” Lucy Dog is on the couch. Apparently “Lucy! You get inside this house right now!” is something I yell often.
You should know: I am super self-conscious about my bony shoulders. So I was just bending down in a tank top and Scarlette started rubbing my shoulders and said “HEY! WHY ELBOWS?!”
I call Scarlette “doodlebug.” Standing in line at the store, the man next to us said “Cmon doodlebug” to HIS kid. And Scarlette started screaming “NO! NO!!”