Prequel: I have this feeling that I’m being watched. Pretty sure the woman I’ve taken up residence in has me under some sort of surveillance. A team of people seems to be checking in often to monitor my escape route. I have remained hidden by what appears to be a hipbone in order to keep them from glimpsing my face.
Day 1: Plan foiled. Evacuation alert triggered but someone in a mask reached in and pulled me out from above before I could make my escape. They gave me to a woman whose voice sounds vaguely familiar. I protested heavily but then learned said woman is a consistent source of milk. Need to learn more about this new environment. Will remain in new, very bright location near food supply as I make my observations.
Day 4: There are three main humans in this new place they call “home.” A man with a scruffy beard, the milk lady, and a miniature girl they call “Big Sister” which is a confusing misnomer. I am not sure how I feel about these people yet and so I have chosen to sleep during the daytime and wake up to eat every 45 minutes once the sun sets. Will continue this pattern until humans are confused by sleep-deprivation.
Day 9: Milk Lady seems emotionally unhinged. Cries constantly, without warning and for no apparent reason. V. physically affectionate but I remain wary.
Day 11: Spend most of the day sleeping to conserve energy reserves. Fear I will need them as occasionally peek one eye open and see small girl gesturing wildly while singing at me. Am unsure if friend or foe.
Day 13: Have discovered subjects called “Grandparents.” Feel as though they may be allies.
Day 21: Am feeling quite fond of Milk Lady, henceto referred to by code name “Mommy.” She provides adequate comfort and food immediately upon request. Remain skeptical of all other subjects, especially the small girl who is much louder than her diminutive stature suggests.
Day 33: Slept three hours in a row for a couple of nights. Overheard Mommy remark that she feels refreshed and able to function. Decided to wake up every hour and a half last night just to throw her off. Need to keep subjects on their toes.
Day 42: Discovered that I can make coo-ing noises. Appears to have vast power over the bigger humans. Will wield this newfound power cautiously.
Day 45: Was taken to what appears to be a laboratory where more people in masks performed invasive testing on me. Someone that Mommy referred to as a “Doctor” inserted a tube in unspeakable places. I retaliated with the most effective weapon available to me: performing a blow-out poop in his hand. Twice. Spent the rest of the day maximizing my pitifulness and nursing my wounds.
Day 49: Continue to reject all efforts by family to make me smile.
Day 56: Mommy abandoned me for 45 seconds in what she later referred to as “A Super Quick Potty Break I Literally Have Never Tinkled So Fast.” During which time Big Sister made an attempt to bury me by piling blocks on top of my body while I lay helpless in my bassinet, leaving only my head exposed. Event caused Mommy to shriek loudly upon exiting the lavatory. Need new strategy for survival in this family unit.
Day 60: Finally managed to grab the little red chiming fox that Daddy keeps dangling above me. Victory is mine!
Day 67: Big Sister has taken to reading me books about baby animals accompanied by exaggerated animal sounds. Find this hilarious and reward her by smiling and shaking my shoulders as though I am laughing but not actually emitting any sound, lest she become too prideful of her comic endeavors and in this way encouraging everyone to work harder to gain my approval.