Every year around this time my mailbox starts to fill up with catalogs full of gift ideas for the upcoming holiday season. Some of them are totally legit ideas for gift giving. And some of them are full of some of the most random assortment of items I have ever seen.
And every year the exact same thing happens: I open one of these catalogs and I am immediately hypnotized by the glossy sheen of the pages featuring nonsensical items. I don’t even know what comes over me. The first few pages I am scoffing at popcorn makers shaped like the Stanley Cup and five hundred dollar robot tea pots.
The next thing I know I am dog-earing corners of things that I all of the sudden absolutely can not live without and must immediately go on my Christmas list.
Heated steering wheel cover? Need it. A toaster shaped like Darth Vader that burns the words STAR WARS onto your toast? Need it. A flameless indoor marshmallow roasting machine? NEEEEEEEED ITTTTTT!
I retract everything I said before. This catalog is going to change my life. I absolutely DO need a bug vacuum that can pick up twenty odd live crickets in less than fifteen seconds. I mean, how did I not know this existed? I spend my life attempting to kill spiders by standing as far away from them as humanly possible and throwing heavy objects in their general direction. Or spraying them with lysol.
Ooooh, a sleep promoting lightbulb developed by NASA? Obviously. If it’s good enough for NASA, it’s good enough for me. That is just good sense and not at all what my husband is saying about it being a “marketing ploy” that I am “falling hook, line and sinker for.” He just has not seen the light (no pun intended) of the heated shaving cream dispenser yet. That will change everything for him. I am very confident of this because I ordered it for his stocking.
He changed his tune slightly upon seeing some sort of remote control Ferrari boat because apparently that sounds cooler than heated shaving cream. I bet he’ll be saying differently on a cold, January morning. But that was not even remotely appealing to me (I am killing it with the puns today.) No, what I need is this thing on the opposite page, a Luminous Sky Portal Mirror. Do you even know what this mirror does? IT MAKES RADIANT SUNBEAMS APPEAR AROUND YOUR REFLECTION.
Of course I want this! In fact, I don’t want any other mirrors ever again. I only want to look at myself in a mirror in which I am surrounded by HD video of actual cloud formations. I don’t even know why I have to explain this right now. This is a no-brainer. This would completely revolutionize my selfies.
What I wore photos? Stop it. WHAT I WORE SURROUNDED BY CELESTIAL BEAMS OF LIGHT, Y’ALL. I will be the most sought-after fashion blogger in the world, never mind that the majority of my clothes come from second hand stores and Target’s clearance rack.
I also want every single heated item in this catalog. Heated towel rack? Why yes I would like to pretend that I live in a fancy hotel, thank you very much. Heated robe? Yes, absolutely. I am not at all worried about being electrocuted by slipping my dripping wet body into that 12-volt battery powered robe post shower. A warming cat bed? Need it. I don’t even have a cat but this way if I ever run into Taylor Swift I can casually invite her over for mimosas on the veranda* and be all like “And feel free to bring your kitten that you so cleverly named Olivia Benson, I have a heated cat bed.”
And speaking of cats, there is this: Brain Wave Animated Cat Ears. Let me tell you what these do. These read your thoughts and emotions and then they respond exactly how you would IF YOU WERE A CAT. Who does not want these?
No seriously, who? I am constantly thinking to myself “Self, I feel very frustrated right now but how would I feel IF I WERE A CAT?” This is incredibly important information that every person needs to know about themselves. I am pretty sure that Maslow would agree that it is an essential step in reaching self-actualization. I know this because I majored in Sociology and so you can probably definitely take my word for it.
Anyhow, I know other, less actualized people might just be tossing these catalogs directly in the recycling bin and so now you know that by doing so, you are missing out on a wealth of amazing gift giving potential. You are welcome. If you would like to express your gratitude, I will take a sunbeam mirror, please and thank you.
*I don’t have a veranda but I will build one with my bare hands if Taylor Swift should ever come to my house, HOA bylaws be darned. I am very industrious. I’m sure the whole thing would be super safe and totally approved by her security team.
