This is what it is like to go to Target with Scarlette. Literally. As in, I wrote down nearly everything she said as we made our way through the store. Scarlette narrates whatever she is doing and then casually talks to every single person who happens to pass us as we shop. It sounds like this:
“Oh hi! What are you doin wif dat baving suit? Are you going swimming? Do you like dat pink one? I hab a blue baving suit. Who are you buying a baving suit for? Is it for you? Is it for your little girl? I’m a BIG girl.”
“Why you holdin dat yellow baving suit? Don’t buy dat one.”
“OH MOMMY! Dis dress would be SO CUTE on you!”
(Loudly, in the fitting room) “MOMMY! I SEE YOUR BOOTY!”
(I did not learn my lesson from the bathing suit shopping incident, apparently.)
“Oh hi! My name Scarlette. I wike your shoes! I getting some shoes! I gonna choose dem myself. I hab to find all da ones dat hab a nine on dem because dat’s what size my feet are and den I will choose. I gonna choose dese shoes dat light up! Oh, I’m sorry YOUR shoes don’t light up. I KNOW! Maybe my Mommy could buy you some light up shoes!”
“Oh hey, I just getting some shoes wif my Mommy.”
“Um no. I don’t like dat shirt, Mommy. We could get dis one! I like dis one.”
(To a stranger shopping next to us) “Do you see dis shirt?! I am getting it! I am getting dis shirt for me! It says a 3 on it! But I am 4 years old not 3. Do you want to get some 3 shirts? 3 shirts are great shirts to get! Yeah.”
“Oh hey. I’m just goin to da potty right now. We’re going dere real fast.”
“Oh hey buddy. I’m just goin to da potty.”
“Mommy! I gonna open dis door.”
(Me: Scarlette, do NOT open that door while Mommy is going tinkle.) (Scarlette opens the stall door anyway.) (Scarlette gets in trouble.)
“OH! DO YOU MEAN YOU WANT DA DOOR SHUT SO NOBODY SEES YOUR BUHGINA?!”
“Oh hey. I just washin my hands. Are you gonna wash your hands? You needa go SWISH SWISH SWISH.”
(To a man exiting the men’s restroom) “Oh, hey boy. Good job going potty!”
“OH LOOK MOMMY, CHEETOS! I could have a little bit of those maybe! Just a little bit. There is just a little bit of cheese in dose maybe.”
(I inform Scarlette that we can’t buy cheetos since she can’t have cheese.) “I know. But Mommy? Dat is very fwusterating”
“OH MOMMY! CHOCOLATE BUNNIES! I LOVE CHOCOLATE BUNNIES! Daddy wants to get some of does I fink.”
“Mommy LOOK AT DAT BALL! Can I have dat please? No? OH. Is dat ball only for big people? Because it’s so big? (I answered yes without really thinking because I might sometimes possibly answer on autopilot) “OH I KNOW. Maybe YOU could get dat ball because YOU are a big people! And den I could play wif it because sharing is important!”
“Oh hey dere. I’m just singing dis song. I’m a good singer.”
“JINGLE BELLS JINGLE BELLS JINGLE ALL DA WAY!”
“Oh! You don’t hab any hair. You’re baldy! Like my daddy! And your face is kind of brown. My face is peach! Eberybody is different, you know.”
“Oh yeah, I did put da memanems in da buggy. Dat was so helpful of me! No you can buy dem! Now you can buy dose tweats for me!”
“Hello, my name is Scarlette. I would like a chocolate cake pop please. Here are all my dollars.”
(The barista hands Scarlette her change) “MOMMY! He gabe me a cake pop AND MORE MONIES! I GOT MORE MONIES WIF MY CAKE POP! I CAN PUT DESE IN ELSA’S BOTTOM!”
(Scarlette got an Elsa piggy bank for Christmas, y’all.)
“I KNOW! Maybe I can drive home! Dat could be a good idea!”
I’m not even joking, it’s like we walk in the door and she starts talking and doesn’t take a breath until I’ve strapped her back into her car seat. She speaks to every single person we pass and what I wish I could convey in writing is that she fluctuates between being overly exuberant and doing this funny little thing where she sort of tosses her head over her shoulder, lowers her voice and says “Oh hey. I just buyin dese shirts” all SUPER casual like. Like she’s an indifferent teenage girl. It cracks me up.
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