This is a (slightly edited for privacy) email that I sent to my one my best friends a few weeks ago. I was in the process of re-designing her husband’s website and might have been indulging in a bit of wine (read: arbor mist) while writing their new “about us” section. This is just a warning that if you decide to be friends with me, you might get emails like this at one in the morning. And that also sometimes a conversation that starts in Starbucks ends up on the internet.
TO: LA
SUBJECT: Your Husband’s Website
So whenever I am working on websites for people, I have to edit myself a ton. Websites that want me to be uber professional are really hard for me because I much prefer to write biting, hilarious content than things like “Our model home features a vaulted ceiling in the master bathroom.”
(EDITOR’S NOTE: That’s a lie, it isn’t hard at all. I’m very professional and you should totally hire me. Also, why do we need extra high ceilings in our bathrooms? What are we hiding?)
So most of my time writing stuff up for various people is spent cutting things out before I send them the final copy. Example, I have deleted the following sentence from your website at least three times now:
By our powers combined, we are Captain Planet!
Because I CRACK MYSELF UP so I keep throwing it in different parts of the bio. Don’t worry. I took it out because probably most people getting married these days have NO IDEA WHO CAPTAIN PLANET IS which is terribly sad and very unfortunate because what do they even do if someone yells FIRE?! Do they even know to yell WIND! WATER! HEART! before they stop, drop and roll? I don’t think they do and that is awful.
Related: I looked up that phrase to make sure I was still saying it in the right order twenty odd years later (you know, IN CASE I EVER NEED TO CALL ON THE POWERS OF CAPTAIN PLANET) and did you know that LeVar Burton was totally the voice of one of the characters? As in Reading Rainbow? How did I not pick up on that as a small child? Also, how did I not know that Whoopi Freakin Goldberg was the voice of Mother Earth? I knew every single Sister Act song by heart (but not Sister Act Two because that one sucked) so I should have totally called that.
I am really now way too involved in this wikipedia article. I particularly like this quote: “Gi is a self-proclaimed marine biologist.” Um, I’m pretty sure you can’t just go around calling yourself a marine biologist, Gi. I’m pretty sure you need an actual degree for that. It’s like med school for the ocean. Did you not see that episode of Seinfeld? Go to college, Gi.
Also related: how did none of us ever notice that *insert other best friend’s husband here* looks EXACTLY LIKE CAPTAIN PLANET? Case in point:
Next time I go to their house, I’m going to see what happens if I throw some polluted sludge at him.
Finally, I would like to say that I just read over this email and realized that probably I should post this entire thing to my blog. It might be the best thing I’ve ever written. Someone needs to give me a dang book deal already. This has PULITZER PRIZE written ALL OVER IT.
I shall now return to working on your husband’s website. I take his career very seriously.
Love,
KA
*I like to imagine that all of my friends are now staring intensely at their husbands trying to discern any captain planet-like features
