Scarlette Says: A) I’m not a baby, I’m a big girl. Do you not even see me going down these steps on my own? And B) I do not approve of this miniscule smear of pumpkin muffin on my hands and I can not believe my mother is listening to that therapist lady and refusing to give me a napkin. In retaliation, I’m going to pretend I don’t know how to say any words when the speech therapist comes so that they all think my mother is completely neurotic when she tells them I can say “more muffins, yum!.”
A couple of times a week, weather permitting, we have a breakfast picnic. This is one of those things that makes you look like a fun, hip mom but if I were to be completely honest with you I would admit that though Scarlette likes it, my motivation has less to do with “fun” and more to do with “easy cleanup.”
Because if your baby still hasn’t grasped the concept of getting oatmeal from the bowl to her mouth and instead flings it everywhere with gleeful abandon causing it to turn into little droplets of baby food cement when it hardens, trust me when I tell you that being able to just spray everything down with a hose post breakfast massacre is fan flippin’ tastic.
And by “everything” yes I do totally mean both the picnic area AND my baby. She’s only dressed in these pictures because I don’t put diaper photos online but typically she eats breakfast in a half nekkid state of undress.
On the back porch.
And then I spray her with the garden hose.
I don’t even want to know what my neighbors think of me.
(Seriously, she loves being sprayed with the hose.)
And if my neighbors happen to remark upon this scene I shall quote to them the scripture that says “Judge not lest ye be judged when you one day have a child that freaks the heckfire out at the sight of a bathtub EVEN THOUGH she totally used to love taking baths and absolutely nothing occurred that would make her afraid of the bathtub except that she enjoys being a total enigma andplusalso on the rare occasion that she WILL get in the bathtub she immediately proceeds to do her business in there because she has mistaken the word BATHTUB with the word TOILET and so there’s that, thus sayeth the Lord.”
What do you mean your bible doesn’t say that? It’s totally somewhere in the book of Markzekial.
*But not a left turn, because I’m not an ambiturner. BAZINGA!
