….the weight of glory, if you held it in your hands…
"I need this to have a purpose" I cried to Jeff as I watched the outline of the hospital fade behind our tailights. It's always worse for me at night, frustrating and heartbreaking when I have to leave her.
Other people have told me that they know Scarlette is going to make it. Some people have told me that God has shown them that Scarlette is going to make it. If I were to be honest, I would lay bare my jealousy of that. I crave that confidence. Why hasn't the Lord revealed His plan for her to me, her mother? Because I am afraid for her. More than anything I want intimate knowledge of her future and I want it to be that I get to keep her.
A few people have told me that God is using Scarlette's story for others. They tell me that there is purpose in this, to bring Him glory.
If I were to be honest about that as well, I would tell you something that pains me. That I don't want that. That I am no Abraham and I do not have the strength nor courage nor faith to present my daughter as a sacrifice. That I do not love people enough to be willing to see my daughter suffer for the glory of God.
I wish I could tell you otherwise, that I trust His plan. I wish I could espouse sentiments about how my heart is settled as long as our journey brings glory to His name. But I am not that woman and that is not my truth. I feel incredibly vulnerable sharing this with you, the flaws in my faith. It's not that I don't think she has a purpose, an amazing, beautiful purpose here. And I am truly moved in the depths of my heart by those of you who tell me that she has touched you. It's just that I can't bear seeing her struggle and my mother's heart wants to reject any purpose for such a thing, be it holy or not. This part of faith, this believing without seeing, it's the part that makes it a choice and not always an easy one.
"Maybe you can give it a purpose" Jeff answered me.
And so I write. Without understanding. Without even much filter.
But very much with hope.
Thank you for embracing my words as I sort out these feelings with my pen. Thank you for bringing peace to my heart in your great love for my daughter.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding – Proverbs 3:5
(p.s. I'm holding her in that photo! I was able to hold her again for over an hour and this time a nurse took photos. And I know I am biased, but isn't she just beautiful?)
