I've written often here about how faith through infertility and then about faith through pregnancy. I've wondered lately how to write about faith and this situation, my daughter's precarious condition.
The truth is, this is hard. I know for the first time what it feels like to pray without ceasing, she is in my every breath, my every thought. I've begged God to save her, to heal her, to let me take her place. I've raged at Him for letting this happen, for the fact that she has to struggle, for not making me able to protect her. I've clung to His promises, prayed them over her, praised Him for how fearfully and wonderfully she is made.
If there was ever a crisis of faith, I think I might be in it.
I cannot reconcile this. I absolutely, unwaveringly believe the Lord led me to swing by the doctor 15 minutes before closing time just because I felt weird. I absolutely believe that with no symtoms of pre-term labor, He sent me to get help for her, so that she had a chance at life. Put simply, if I'd gone into labor anywhere else, she wouldn't have made it.
I believe that He led us early on in the pregnancy to choose this doctor and hospital, rather than the one five minutes from our house. This hospital, nearly 40 minutes away, happens to have one of the best NICUs in the state, one of the very few equipped to care for her.
I believe that was Him working all things together for her good. And yet I do not understand why, if He knew what was happening, He didn't just prevent it. Why He wouldn't just let me keep her safe.
I don't know that there will ever be an answer to satisfy the why. At the moment, as I look at my daughter through a thick layer of plastic, no answer is enough for me.
But I still believe that He can save her. That He can heal her. That He works miracles. That I was made to love her. And I am certain that in the times when my heart is comforted, it is because so many people are praying for her.
I can't tell you that my faith is strong right now. It just is. I can't tell you that I have any understanding, or that I'm not heartbroken and angry. I'm so many things that aren't compatible all at the same time.
What I am is hopeful in Him, grateful to Him, and desperate for Him.
