You don’t leave your child behind. It’s a universal truth; we put them on the lifeboat first, we pass them out of burning buildings, we give them the very last slice of bread. But when you give birth to a micro-preemie you sit in the stupid wheelchair and you steel yourself against the pain that courses through your chest as they push you down the hallway, forcing you out of the hospital doors and away from your baby. And you leave her behind.
In a cruel irony you’ll wait at the entrance of the Mother/Baby wing where you’re surrounded by other new mothers, the ones who hold their chubby newborns in their arms as the new fathers juggle the balloons and the baby gear, trying to work the carseat. You don’t have balloons and you don’t have a baby and…
In stolen bits of time I curl up with a candle and a keyboard and I write.
(Okay, so I don’t literally curl up with the candle because that would be dangerous and we’re all aware of my propensity to set things on fire. I set it gingerly on the desk next to me but far enough away that I don’t accidentally knock it over in a flurried fit of typing and exaggerated singing along to Sara Bareilles.)
I mentioned around the new year that I was writing a book. I struggled over the idea of writing down Scarlette’s story for a long time because while I’ve long wanted to be a writer, that is not the story I wanted to tell. Then I read Wednesdays Were Pretty Normal and the author talked about his son’s cancer diagnosis and his own turmoil over putting pen to paper. And he said something that resonated deeply with me, which was that he wanted to be a good steward of the story he was given.
And those are the words that pierced me.
Because I feel a deep sense of responsibility to be a good steward of our story. She earned that. She showed us all how big her brave is.
When Scarlette was in the NICU I wrote out of pure catharsis, purging my emotions on a page and into my pillow. I leave some of that here because it connects us, the mamas who type questions about NEC and PDA ligations bleary-eyed into the vast space of a Google search and end up here, seeking answers. All I wanted was answers, I was desperate for answers and so I feel duty-bound to share and offer what I can to this community.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I did want to write down our story, if only to tuck it into the care packages that we deliver to our NICU and share solidarity and support and hope. Mostly the hope. Because that is what I wanted the most but it turns out, not much is written about experiences like ours.
So I’ve been writing and it is hard. It’s been a bit triggering for me and maybe that’s why there aren’t many books written on the subject, on account of the flashbacks giving life to the story seems to cause.
Anyhow, a few different things have pushed me back in that direction because at the end of the day I feel as though the fact that the Lord has given me such a passion for writing and that my only child was born into a story that weaves suffering into hope and bears witness to faith compels me to be a good steward of it.
OH MY GOSH I AM SO WORDY.
Anyhow, all of that was to say that I’ve been trying to figure out how to free up more time to work on said book. I don’t know if y’all know this or not but Scarlette is a bit of a handful 😉
I know other bloggers bring on contributing writers but I didn’t really want anyone else writing here, I feel a bit possessive of this space y’all. On the other hand, turns out that if you want someone to publish your book you can’t just totally stop writing on your blog. Or if you want to pay bills. (I really hate when bloggers are vague about changes like this so I’m just being honest here y’all.)
I figured that one of the things I love to post the most but also takes the most time out of my day are DIY projects so I’m really excited to tell you that for the next few months I will have two great girls posting some awesome DIY projects here twice a month. This way you can enjoy the eye-candy and I can meet some of my obligations and still pursue my passion. The first one will be up tomorrow and I am so excited to share it with you so I hope you enjoy it!
Also, in an effort to set-up a bit more scheduled posting routine, I would love it if you would take a very, very, super short survey for me on what your favorite things to see here are (I know, you all want more Scarlette stories, lol) so that I can use my writing time wisely. I mean, I like doing book reviews because I love to read but if they bore you then that would be good for me to know, you know? It’s 4 questions and totally anonymous and I really appreciate it!
Thank you for continuing to take this journey with me, I’m so deeply grateful for each of you that reads here.
(P.S. I also added a new thing to the comments section so if you leave a comment and then check the COMMENT LUV box, it will post a link to your latest blog post underneath your comment! I thought that would be a fun way for us to connect and discover more fun blogs!)
(P.P.S. I should add that I do not actually have any sort of book deal. If that happens I will be all “Y’ALL I GOT A BOOK DEAL” but until then I’m just sharing the process. If you’re an agent, call me, maybe.)
