I wrote a lot of blog posts about faith and infertility so I thought it was only fitting to share a little bit about being faith and being pregnant. And I have a lot to say so maybe this will be a mini series.
I definitely had a different picture of pregnancy in mind than what I've experienced thus far. When I'd think about being pregnant, it was always a very glowy, shiny, cutesy thought. Like lightning bugs after a picnic. Or overly happy Zooey Deschanel movies.
There were so many scary moments with the complications in the beginning that I feel as though I almost don't even know where the line between faith and fear was. I knew that I didn't want to be fearful. But what I wanted and what I felt weren't really compatible.
I went to see a counselor about my fear of losing the baby. I think infertility perpetuated the fear in me. I always thought it would be the opposite. I thought if I got pregnant, I would know that it was the Lord's doing and therefore nothing that followed would scare me because I'd be in this blissed out state of gratitude and blessing and faithfulness.
It's an odd juxtaposition to live in a place where you're so thankful and happy and fearful all at the same time. Especially when you're unsure of which things are your feelings and which things are your hormones.
I would like to tell you that I drove to some of those appointments full of faith and certainty in the Lord rather than crying hysterically and freaking out because someone left a Selah CD in the car (you know the one). I would like to, as would anyone else driving in Atlanta on those days. But I can't.
The thing about being faithful is, I'm just not all the time. I have faith, sure. But I'm not always acting in it. There's this verse in the bible though, where God says that even in the times that we're not faithful, everything is still alright. Because God? He is always faithful to us.
