If you are just joining in: part one and part two and part three
I put his letters in a box and pushed it to the back of the closet. The photo of the two of us at graduation was replaced by an 8×10 glossy of me dancing with a boy he didn't want me dating. It wasn't fair, I had decided, to have my heart divided. If I was going to be in this then I was going to really be in it. Without secretly pining after Jeff as I had been in previous relationships. And so I cut him out completely.
Over two years had passed. This boy was charming and funny and he made me feel beautiful. Two years of a storybook romance and I loved him. I had thrown myself into the relationship.
I could feel it unraveling. There was a cutting edge to it that hadn't been there before. My girlfriends stepped in. "We love you, they said, but if you marry him we won't stand up with you. This isn't right for you. It isn't good for you." I pushed them away and clung harder, suffocating the both of us in my insecurity.
That's when I had the second dream.
I saw him with another girl. I drove in miserable confusion until I reached a house on a long, curvy street by the school. The front door opened before I could knock. "He left me. I shouldn't be here, I know, I'm sorry, I didn't know where to go." Jeff pushed a hand through my hair. "I know. I was waiting for you to come."
I awoke in a cold sweat. I pushed the dream away, guilty for having subconscious thoughts about Jeff and terrified at the thought that the first part might be true.
When I found out about the other girl I packed up his things and drove to his house,
intent on stomping and yelling and possibly throwing things. But when
his face confirmed my suspicions I just crumpled to the floor. "How
could you?" I demanded. I let him hold me while I cried over his betrayal.
I didn't leave my room for a month. I finally pulled myself together to take my finals for that semester. I hadn't been to class in weeks. My favorite professor pulled me aside. "Something bad has happened?" he asked in heavily accented kindness. I nodded and made a hasty exit before he could press for answers. I don't let people see me cry.
I took the long way home, the way that winded past Jeff's house. I hesitated as I pulled up to his driveway, remembering my dream. I don't know how long I sat there, or how long they'd been watching me before he tapped on my window.
An older man who I didn't recognize. "Can I help you? Are you looking for someone?" he asked. I learned that Jeff didn't even live there anymore. He'd moved away. He'd moved away and I had no idea where he was or how to get in touch with him.
"Stupid. STUPID, stupid stupid" I muttered to myself as I drove home.
