The other day I went to make some toast and I asked my husband if he would like me to make him a slice because I am an amazing wife with incredible culinary skills, obviously. He requested butter only on his portion. I have no idea what the man has against my honey peach jam. That stuff is my jam. See what I did there?
(But seriously, it is like delicious candy for my bread.)
A few minutes later I had all of the pieces of toasted bread sitting on a plate next to the toaster oven and was rummaging in the fridge when he walked into the kitchen. He asked if I had forgotten to make him a slice and I was all “Um, no? Do you not see the three pieces of toast lying on that plate in sequential order from largest to smallest? My OCD just made me go all Goldilocks on that toast. Yours is the biggest piece.”
And then he said “But this toast doesn’t have any butter on it.”
I held up the stick of butter.
“Right. Because I am about to put the butter on the toast.”
“But you already toasted the bread” he said.
“Righhhhhht. Because…I’m making toast?” I answered, slightly confused as to the direction this conversation was taking.
That is when he informed me that he applies his butter to the bread prior to toasting it.
“Oh. That is also a good idea.” I answered, just to humor him out of love and respect and stuff because I use the much superior method of making buttered toast: toasting my bread, spreading on the butter and then sticking it back in the warm toaster oven to melt so that it doesn’t all soak into one spot.
And then he said to me “Yeah, I wouldn’t call it a ‘good idea’ so much as I would call it ‘how to make buttered toast’”
And I was like “YOU SIR, do not know which side your bread is buttered on!”
Only that little bit of brilliance was completely wasted on him because he never gets my puns which is the entire reason I have to document these sorts of conversations on the internet. BECAUSE THAT DESERVES APPROPRIATE IDIOM APPRECIATION, Y’ALL.
To settle this debate, please tell me how you make buttered toast.
(Especially if that way is my way.)
