1.) Waver at the door when running late for gymnastics as you realize that you have yet to brush your teeth this morning because you were busy trying to convince your crying child that silver glitter mary janes are not appropriate footwear for the balance beam. Decide to leave without brushing your teeth because you don’t want to make your child any later for class and hope that the mints you keep stashed in your diaper bag will suffice. Discover that your toddler removed said mints from your diaper bag, along with all of her diapers, and pray that no one speaks to you. When other parents choose today (OF ALL DAYS!) to engage you in conversation, nod your head mutely while pressing your lips together, answering their questions silently with exaggerated eyebrow movements and overly expressive smizing that would make Tyra Banks totally jealous. Reassure yourself as they back away slowly that they are probably just pondering about how mysterious and intriguing you are, like an Olsen Twin.
2.) Attempt to persuade the other parents of the children attending your daughter’s gymnastics class that it would be super fun to make a video of the kids doing a toddler version of The Harlem Shake. Use the phrase “super fun” a lot because people totally take you seriously when you say that and it isn’t at all annoying and definitely helps people to not think that you are a teenager. When the other moms stare at you blankly, act out the harlem shake for them using the available gymnastics apparatus. Assure them that “the harlem shake, toddler edition” will totally go viral. Explain the meaning of viral. Try to pull up the harlem shake video on your phone and come across a completely inappropriate version. Don’t give up when no one seems interested in participating. Perseverance is what won Ben Affleck that Oscar.
3.) Exchange mommy cards with another mom in the class. When she asks what you do for a living, tell her that you “just write about crazy things on the internet.” Never hear from her again.
4.) Scrub your child’s hands furiously with hand sanitizer between each turn on a shared apparatus. Never explain why you are doing this to the other parents who give you funny looks.
5.) When a new mother joins your gymnastics class and proceeds to say to her little girl “Oh look, they let little babies in this class! You’ll have to show the little one what to do!” while pointing to your child, don’t resist the urge to tell her that your child is not, in fact, a baby and also is the best little gymnast in the whole class. Definitely say all the words you should keep inside your head during moments like these.
6.) After class, take your child to the store and share your hot chocolate with her. Make sure to get an extra large cup. No one will assume that you are letting your two year have old her own latte or give you dirty looks as they hear her exclaiming “UMMY UMMY CHOCKAT MEE-YULK!” They will not be the same people who rolled their eyes at you when you wiped down the buggy with a clorox wipe before draping it with a cart cover and commented about how “everyone is just so overly worried about germs these day.” Don’t reply “Yeah, I hate those people.” before you remember that one of your resolutions for 2013 was to be less sarcastic.
7.) Constantly show people photos of your child even though they can see her standing on the tumbling mat and then gush about how cute she is. Seriously, look at that face. That is so adorable that it makes me want to use annoying words like “adorbs” and “presh.” I won’t because those words don’t belong in the vocabulary of an almost thirty year old woman and also because they make me itch.
Let me know how all of this works out for you. It’s made me loads of friends, I can’t even count them all. Because you can’t count to zero. (Or maybe you can, I don’t know how math works.)