(photo from January 2010)
I used to think highly of myself. The word judgemental was not found in the vocabulary used to define my own opinion of my character. I prided myself on the continual refinement of my spirit as I strove towards such things as goodness, faithfulness, and self control, thus missing completely a glaring spot in my soul. And then this experience came and reflected who I am back to me in such a way that there was no mistaking my faults.
I used to be judgemental.
I used to inwardly sigh as I watched a frustrated mother snap at her crying child in the grocery store. Narrowing my eyes in silent criticism I would contemplate how much better of a mother I would be if only I could have a baby. I used to judge mothers in grocery stores.
I used to put a hand to my cheek as I came across a photo of a baby in the hospital on a blog. Lips pursed in disapproval I would wonder at the woman who would exploit such a thing as a sick baby. I used to judge mothers taking pictures.
I used to bite my tongue as an ad flashed across the blog of a mother writing about her critically ill infant. Shaking my head in objection I would wonder at the woman who would attempt profit from an ailing child. I used to judge mothers staying afloat.
I used to judge mothers like me.
Until.
Until I became the mother of that crying child that once wailed for hours on end and discovered that simply being blessed with a baby does not lessen the frustration that rapidly mounts in such a sleep deprived state.
Until I became the mother of that sick baby, who's life is spent lived in a hospital. Until I wanted more than anything to share photos of my daughter. My eyes glance over photos posted when Scarlette was at her sickest and I am shocked at the way she appears, how frail against a backdrop of monitors and wires and hanging IV fluids. I remember looking through the lens to snap those shots and all I saw through that small square was her, my beautiful little girl.
Until I became the mother of that critically ill infant who I wanted to share through my keystroke connection to a world outside of confining hospital walls. Until an email condemnation containing accusations of profit caused a pause and a fresh set of tears. Until I wrote through shaking hands about what once was meager pocket money becoming a blessing that buys bits of groceries as we find ourselves stranded in this journey with the unexpected expenses that come along with a 140 day hospital stay.
I used to be judgemental until life dealt me a hand that taught me I know nothing about anyone's situations nor their intentions.
I hope the lessons I take away from this time will better me. I hope to trade judgement for compassion, condemnation for mercy, assumptions for understanding. I hope to allow room for refinement to find me, rather than supposing my own self assessment is a perfect standard by which to hold others.
And I hope that my heart becomes softer as it grows in love and strives to teach my precious daughter how to navigate this world in a way that is more becoming than what I've confessed to here.
Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others.The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged.And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? – Matthew 7
