Lesson One: Do not give your car keys to your toddler in order to occupy them while you are grocery shopping. It might seem like a good idea at the time, brilliant even. But those few moments of quiet while you google how in the heckfire to know if a cantaloupe is ripe will result in discovering that said toddler no longer has said keys upon checking out. Only do this if retracing your steps through the entire grocery store before it occurs to you to see if someone turned them in to the customer service counter sounds like a fun way to spend a Wednesday morning. Note: It isn’t.
Lesson Two: When taking your child to a beautiful little park while visiting your father for lunch, don’t forget to pack your expensive camera lest you have to use your cell phone for all potential photo ops. On the other hands, praise the good Lord for cell phone cameras because how sweet is that baby with her Pop?
Lesson Three: Don’t assume that just because your sweet baby girl is cuddled up close to you in her sling means that she won’t dart her hand out like a ninja and sweep a thirty dollar hand painted wine glass off the shelf of that trendy little boutique you thought you might stop in. Because, oh she will. She will.
Lesson Four: Relish the fact that apparently, she inherited those ninja skills from you as you caught said overpriced wine glass right before it hit the floor and saved yourself thirty odd dollars plus tax. Left handed while baby wearing no less. Write about this on the internet because you’ll probably never have such good hand-eye coordination again in your life. See: failed tennis lessons.
Lesson Five: Plan a play date and then cancel said playdate upon discovery that your child has Hand, Foot and Mouth. You take your kid to ONE PARK after a six month quarantine and this is what happens. This is not a lesson so much as it is a SERIOUSLY?! SERIOUSLY?!