I’ve been really lucky to have a ton of help this pregnancy. Awhile back, when I was really struggling with hyperemesis and vertigo, I started a medication that just completely knocked me out for several hours at a time. I knew that it might make me drowsy but I wasn’t prepared for it to basically sedate me.
Which is why, the first time I took it, I asked Scarlette to play nicely in her room for a little bit while I laid down.
“Can I play in the hallway?” she asked.
“Sure” I replied. I mean, what trouble could she possibly get into in the tiny stretch of hallway outside my door? There’s not even anything in the hallway.
The next thing I knew I was jolted awake to the sound of something tumbling loudly down the stairs.
I unsteadily rushed into the hallway to see Scarlette laying at the bottom of the steps with a huge goose egg in the middle of her forehead and what appeared to be some sort of gold bling on her feet.
“Whoa,” she said, “dat was NOT how dat was supposed to go.”
Turns out, she had taken all of her plastic beaded mardi-gras-style necklaces, wrapped them around her feet, and then tried to “ice skate” down the front stairs.
(Apparently Minnie Mouse jumps over a line of elephants while ice skating and thus Scarlette, lacking any elephants, decided to substitute our front steps in replicating this effort.)
So then I didn’t take that medicine unless someone was here to keep a constant eye on my little daredevil.
It’s not that she means to cause trouble. She is such a sweet, well-mannered kid. But she genuinely thought that would be a good idea. Last month we caught her jumping off the top of her dresser on to her bean bag because she found “pixie dust.”
(In case you were wondering, everything in our house is bolted to the walls like we live on a cruise ship.)
(Also, the video baby monitor is probably THE most used item in our home.)
When bedrest was mandated I gladly accepted all the help offered from friends and family to watch my kid. Obviously. It takes a village, y’all. Scarlette is in morning Pre-K this year and she has been going to my in-laws house afterwards, which has been hugely helpful.
The other day she didn’t have school and so before my husband left for work he told her to be sure and help Mommy a lot. My in-laws had offered to still take Scarlette for the day but I was all breezy, like “Oh no, I can totally handle it. We’ll be fine.”
And about twenty minutes after that I was on the phone with Poison Control.
I woke up to Scarlette waltzing in my room dressed in full pirate regalia – hat, eyepatch, costume, sword – and saying cheerfully “Ahoy there matey, I’m chore pirate and I’m ready to work! Got any jobs for me to do today?”
So I quickly sprayed down all the bathroom counters, handed her a rag and told her to swab the decks.
And I was feeling pretty impressed with my parenting skills when my phone rang.
I stepped into the bedroom for a second to grab it, because I was expecting an important call from my OB, and less than a minute into the conversation I heard a blood-curling shriek from the bathroom.
I dropped the phone and burst through the door way to see bathroom cleaner spray dripping down Scarlette’s cheeks.
She had sprayed herself DIRECTLY IN THE FACE.
Not as in, say, a little bit of overspray. No, she pointed the nozzle about an inch from her eyes and blasted herself.
So then I flushed her eyes out for five minutes while I waited on hold with the nice people at Poison Control.
And I don’t know about your five year olds but I can’t even wash Scarlette’s hair without her screaming about getting a trickle of water maybe, possibly, somewhere near the vicinity of her eyes. So attempting to convince her to let me purposefully pour clean water in her eyes was a joy and a delight.
I was alternatively flushing her eyes out and making her tell me how many fingers I was holding up when the guy from Poison Control cheerfully informed me that my non-toxic cleaner really was non-toxic and reassured me that she would not go blind and would be absolutely, perfectly fine.
Which she was just a few minutes later, singing “Yo ho, let’s go” while dancing around my bedroom with completely clear, sparkling blue eyes.
When I called my OB back she was very relieved to hear from me on account of how all she heard was the sound of a child screaming and then my horrified response while dropping the phone.
She was all “how’s bedrest going?” and I was like “Oh things are great over here, just you know, super chill, real laid back. Except the opposite of that because of I have a five year old. Specifically, a Scarlette.”
But on the plus side, I don’t have gestational diabetes. And so with how this pregnancy has gone so far, I’m like WINNING.
(I have to say this is a ringing endorsement for Method’s bathroom cleaner, albeit unintentional, and thus I will happily continue to put that stuff in my ePantry basket. I’ll also continue working on things like “how to properly hold a spray bottle” and “not taking my eyes off this child for one second.”)
P.S. 28 weeks, y’all!