So my friend Bre and I went to see Bad Moms a few weeks ago. Listen, the language is terrible but the movie was hilarious. And I taught her my trick for getting the most butter on my popcorn. A teenage boy working at the theater taught it to me last summer and it’s probably my best life hack.
What you do is, you stick a straw down in the center of your popcorn. THEN you pour the liquid butter from the butter machine straight INTO the straw and move the straw around in circles while you do that. This gets the butter all throughout the popcorn bucket instead of just on the first layer. After that I take the straw out and drizzle butter on the top.
People look at me funny when I first put the straw under the nozzle but by the time I’m finished everyone in line behind me is all, “THAT IS THE BEST TRICK EVER” because it is. It will revolutionize your movie-going experience.
Anyhow, during the previews the trailer for Stranger Things played. Bre was all, “Ohh let’s watch that!” And I was like, “NO THANK YOU MA’AM. I do not watch things that are scary. I do not watch things that are creepy. I do not watch them, Sam I Am.”
I explained to her that I can not even watch things like Criminal Minds because they freak me out so badly that I get all paranoid and start side-eying everyone, like my postman or the little neighbor girl. I once watched an episode of Criminal Minds when J was out of town and slept with all of the lights in the house on for days. And also I built elaborate towers out of canned goods in front of all our doors, in case for some reason our alarm system failed and someone tried to break in.
A few days later Bre sent me a text that said, “I’m watching Stranger Things on Netflix and I think you’ll love it! It’s not scary at all, it’s just a little creepy but trust me. I think you can handle it.”
And because I trust Bre with things I hold very dear, like literally my children’s lives and stuff, I thought that I would give it a shot. Scarlette spent the weekend with her grandparents so J and I settled in to Netflix binge the show.
Halfway through the first episode, which I spent watching with my head buried in J’s shoulder, I pressed pause. “What are you doing?” J asked me.
“I’m texting Bre to tell her that she’s a FILTHY LIAR,” I replied.
Then we proceeded to watch the entire series. Once we started I had to finish because I can not leave a good mystery unsolved. It’s like a compulsion. I have to know the ending. But I legit watched that entire show through my fingers.
J kept laughing at me because he said it wasn’t scary at all but I beg to differ. I thought it was terrifying. And now I have even more things to add to the list of illogical things I am scared of, such as: Christmas lights, paper cuts and The Clash. I just ran in the grocery store about 15 minutes before they closed, which is something I never, ever do. It was already eerie because hardly anyone was in there and they had the lights off in a few sections and just as I rounded the corner towards the dimly lit ice cream aisle I heard over the store speakers, “Should I stay or should I go?”
And then, because I am very logical and not at all prone to overreacting, I was like, “OH MY GOSH IT’S HAPPENING. I’M IN THE UPSIDE DOWN.” Out loud. I said it out loud.
Are y’all watching this? Did it scare anyone else or am I just easily spooked? (The fact that I jump every single time my husband sneaks up on me in the bathroom not withstanding. After a decade of marriage he should know not to walk so stealthily.)
(P.S. It is a really good show. I mean, I watched the entire series so clearly it is good. So I will continue to trust Bre with things like my children’s lives.)
