In case you’re just joining us, we like to play a little game around here called “really weird stuff people searched in google that ended up leading them to my blog.” And by “we” I mean me and my Google Analytics account.
People always ask me how I know what people actually typed into Google and the answer is: I have mind powers. Not really. The search terms show up in my site statistics.
I like to cull through them once every few months and pick out the most obscure to have a good laugh at and provide sarcastic commentary on. Sometimes I like to pretend I’m Chandler from FRIENDS, that’s why. “Look at me, I’m Chandler. Could I BE wearing any more clothes?”
I now present to you Obscure Google Searches, summer 2011 edition.
“Brushing My Hair Would Kill Me” – First of all, what kind of sick hairbrush are you using? Second of all, the thing is, here’s the thing: I don’t understand searches like this. I mean, are you INFORMING Google of this? Because it’s not like Google’s going to be all “Oh well in that case, let me helpfully remove your hairbrush from your person.” Google’s helpful and all but Google? Is an algorithm. Which should tell you something right there, because numbers are evil. Hence, this whole hairbrushing ruse may have been thought up by Google itself. Best you stay off the computer and away from combs.
“Pre-teen Blog” – Even the internet thinks I’m twelve.
“You’re My Best Friend” followed immediately by “I Thought We Were Best Friends” – The hysterical googling of friendship statuses may have something to do with your relationship issues. I will ignore the fact that said google searches led you directly to my blog, which probably says something deep and meaningful about my own relationship issues. Instead, I’ll just rely on Facebook to tell me who my friends are. Duh.
“Huge Balls Under Your Arms” – I can only assume this person is breastfeeding. In which case, if she took the advice of my corresponding post she has probably bought her local supermarket out of every bit of cabbage they had in stock. You are welcome, fellow milk lady. You. Are. Welcome.
“Greek Yogurt Is Disgusting” – Again, there is no need to inform your computer of your taste in yogurts but for the record, I totally agree with you.
“How To Get Publix Tea” – Oh good news! I can actually HELP someone with this one. I totally have the instructions for this!
Step 1: Get In Car
Step 2: Drive To Publix
Step 3: Buy Tea.
And my favorite: “What Do You Mean By Oncoming Traffic?” – If you have to google this, I’m gonna suggest you NEVER GET BEHIND THE WHEEL OF A CAR. Or any motorized vehicle for that matter. Also, probably not a good idea for you to take up biking, jogging or crossing the street.
